Some think of themselves as quite cowardly. Others (there are probably more of them, or
maybe the numbers are about the same) are convinced they are brave. But either self-view is misleading and might
be dangerous. Once you commit yourself
to either view, your memories of experiences will align themselves to the
interpretation – you will only recall things in such a way as to fit the
pattern. I am brave. That means I remember and exaggerate in my
memory episodes in which I have shown bravery.
And I forget the many episodes when I have been cowardly. I am kind.
Generous. All the same.
I have seen a brave elder reduced to a whimper, stronger
jaws ready at his throat to tear the vital connection. He was spared by the victor, and of course he
did not permit memory of that which would have shamed him, either publicly (he
still had that influence in his earth) or in his thoughts. A sequel: much later even the stronger fox (again
raiding) was bemused – he thought he had played a quite different character in
that life. The elder was near death
then, but his sons, strong now, saw the raider away, and the subsuming of a
rival narrative was a stage nearer completion.
As you remember thus, selectively, your behaviour will
change. The whole thing will become what
they call a self-fulfilling prophecy. I
say this might be dangerous. But
sometimes I think that reinforcing one’s self-story is the strongest sign of
normality. Those who do not do this know
that we are all running over a precipice – but they alone are burdened with the
idea that should they look down and see the teeth of the jagged rocks below,
they will fall. As with language when
you speak in public. If you allow
yourself to think about where the next word is coming from… O vertiginous
calamity. They do not know who they are
and must cling to roles as and when they arise.
They have seen them played by others, and know the words passing well,
but there can be no conviction or authenticity in that delivery.
Those whose stupidity never lets them falter: sure-footed
speakers, eloquent hunters.
Of course, this illustrates too the need of a scale. We can’t tell how brave we are except via
reference to the relative bravery (or lack thereof) of others. We are constantly re-calibrating, again, one
category makes the assessment in their own favour, the other makes it to their
detriment and has lost the fight before it commences. Slinking away, tail down. Easier for them to see that the fight is part
of a nature we do not need to be in thrall to.
But whether this knowledge is a consolation for being an outsider, that
is a harder question.
